Thursday, February 23, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Have you ever been threatened with a knife?
Apparenly, the junkie was seriously mad at me and started shouting to me that he would beat me up and put a knife into my chest. I just kept standing, but then he started walking toward me slowly carrying a knife. His girlfriend ran to me quickly and tried to stand between us. She said that I shouldn't worry as he would have to cut her first and he would never do that.
I was a bit uncomfortable with the situation but I knew I could run away anytime if I wanted so I stayed. The guy shouted to his girlfriend to get away so that he could cut me and he kept shouding that and the whole situation became more tense; and I really wished the U-train would come any moment. The girlfriend then tried taking my hand and wanted to start kissing me... argh! what the heck was this!??! The U-train arrived and I hurried aboard and the girlfriend told me to get in front and then she made sure that the guy got in the last waggon... yeez... never have I tried something like that before!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Reflecting on my life
I had lots of social problems and felt like a stranger amoung people, like noone understood me, like I didn't belong and I never would. I had no big friends that I could trust myself to, and I couldnt trust myself to my family either as I felt that noone understood me. How could anyone understand me if I didnt understand myself?
As I had social problems I dedicated myself to music, poetry (to understand and write down my feelings) and computers (later languages).
I was not feeling loved and I was searching for love. Since I didn't feel the love from my parents I needed it even more. I had had many smaller and longer relationships and just before I moved to Copenhagen I had fallen deeply in love with a German girl called Tine. There was no way we could be together and I hated life for it. Luckily, I quickly got over her and started my new life which was kind of okay :)
Then I met the Dutch girl Hannah. She looked sweet and like a girl with a huge heart! She was not really my type, qua look, clothes, a bit too childish (though I like that to some level), etc. but I also never expected anything with her, just wanted to flirt, kiss her and move on.
But she really wanted to visit me and I gave it special meaning. I felt noone wanted to do anything for me - friends, parents etc - but now someone wanted. I fell in love with her because of this and of course, some of her qualities. It was always nice with her, but it was more like a friendship from my side.
I donno how much time passed (I was with her 4,5 year), but maybe after one year I kind of started to forget her (she lived in the Netherlands and me in Denmark) and I fell in love with some other girls. Actually, I fell very easily in love, but nothing happened... either I decided that Hannah was the best for me or they didn't want me anyway because they had a boyfriend already or knew about Hannah.
Hannah noticed that I was forgetting about her and did everything to keep me and it worked. Then I got afraid! I was afraid of loosing my good friend Hannah and I was afraid because the relationship got more serious as she wanted me to live with her. I had the feeling in my mind that I needed to try something else or else I might wake up in 10 years being marriaged with kids and finding out it wasn't right for me.
We had a month apart from each others as I went to a summer school to study Dutch. It was a great time! I was very popular with the girls and there was an Italian girl that I liked. We started dating and that was it. I liked her, and she broke with her boyfriend as a consequence and wanted to do much for me and make a very serious relationship. I wasn't ready for this! I couldn't just jump from one relationship to another. So I was alone again and Hannah really wanted me and we were together again, but some things changed. I noticed that there were a lot of other girls out there who liked me, and my life with Hannah was far from perfect - I wasn't living life.
Then I started using Orkut for real. First for fun and to write in other languages and meet people, but many, many girls seemed to like me and I flirted. It was great, I felt that I had been locked and now I was breaking loose. One girl called Camila took my flirting too serious and thought she had a relationship with me. I was a bit in love so I let her think that, but it was wrong. I knew she was not my type but still I felt good about myself because she liked me so much.
Then I met Livia. This girl was different and very special and I fell in love. I really wanted to meet her but it seemed that, even though she went to Germany, that I never would.
Immediately after I met her I tried breaking up with Hannah. I knew it was over, but Hannah's world fell together and she was begging me to be with her. It was hard! I had planned to move to the Netherlands because of Hannah and I didn't want her anymore. Every time I thought about her I felt hurted and bad. I tried telling Livia about her, but it was impossible for me at this time. Too much pain. I moved and I was depending on Hannah the first time... I felt so unbelievable bad.
Finally Hannah kind of understood that it was over and I it seemed that nothing would ever happen with Livia, so I decided to forget about her. I got my life in the Netherlands and I was even kind of in love with another girl there for some time, but maybe it was more to forget Livia.
My new life started and I felt good! Livia took contact to me again and we actually met. It was wonderful and everything that happened was great. I thought it was because of her and in many ways it was, but it was also because I got to put my life old behind me and felt for the first time that I was living life.
I felt so good that I felt that what I had done was the best that I have ever done in my life, and I decided to just follow my heart and dreams in the future and not worry about the consequences.
I really put everything behind me and I only thought about going forward and about this new life. Everything went the way I wanted it to and everything felt like it was ment to be this way forever. Like destiny. I felt that I found out the secret of life and I wanted this to last forever and do everything for it. The time wasn't entirely perfect, but to me and compared to my old life, it surely felt that way.
I realized some things about myself, life and what I wanted in life and that made this time very special to me and I gave everything from this time a special meaning.
It felt like every moment that I had was the best moment of my whole life. I LOVED the time, and though, I knew it would not last forever and that I might get very hurted, I didn't care: I was living! Thought the time was short, it felt like the moments could fill a life time. I felt so good and gave myself 150% to this new life, which also meant Livia.
But every thing good comes to an end, and that was hard. I thought that I had everything and that it would last forever. It seemed that way, and I couldn't accept it if it didn't. I was sure that what I felt and had felt was destiny and that I could never experience anything like this again at any time. I didn't want to let go.
It was hard feeling when things started going bad, and it was hard accepting. I blamed myself for everything, and seeked faults that I made during the time. Of course, I made faults, she too, but it was the way it was, and things happened the way it happened and none of us were to blame, though we people always search someone to blame.
Every day after was a step ahead and a step back, and I realized a bit more about everything, every day. You could say that the time with her, I found myself, and the time after was/is the time to find life.
With her, I thought that I learned so much, and I did! Such a wonderful time, so wonderful moments, but it doesn't exist anymore. These last two months I have never learned more. Every day my life gets turned upside down and I have had to rethink so many times of my past - that past that I totally left behind.
I feel a lot more settled now... I am not entirely there yet, but getting there steadily. I am letting go of Livia and moving on. I have realized that, though, she is lovely and fits with me in many ways and though we share such wonderful moments, well, then she might not be the one for me anymore and there are indeed others out there.
It was hard realizing this, as I wanted the time we had together to never loose it's meaning, and I wanted to see it as more than it was and I wanted to believe she was the only one for me.
Sometimes, I feel really great, sometimes normal and sometimes a bit sad, but every day I feel greater! :) Now I need to concentrate on me and see where life brings me.
I hope Livia will have a nice time here in Cologne and I wish her happiness, but I am a bit afraid that she will make my mistake and put too much meaning to her new life here as I did to my new life with her. But anyway, making these mistakes is the way we learn.